My dog Megan is a great and wise teacher. My thanks to her for this very valuable lesson on how we create our own realities.
When I first rescued Megan she was a relaxed and happy dog in the presence of other dogs. I took her to dog parks, on hiking trails, to cafes – there wasn’t a single place too busy, crowded, dog- or people-filled that disturbed her. No matter what the environment, she would simply lay by my side, happy as a clam, patiently waiting to see if a little muffin crumb might drop her way while the rest of the world passed her by.
Then, Megan was attacked by a Korean Fighting Dog. No one had to go to the hospital, but it was a traumatic event. The dog came running up from behind, without either of us seeing it, and was on top of Megan biting her before we could even think. It was many long minutes before I could separate the two.
After this event, both Megan and I began to take our walks differently. No longer at ease, enjoying the day and the sheer pleasure of being on a walk together, now we walked vigilantly. We walked with the expectation that something bad could happen. My hand was tight on the leash. If I saw another dog ahead I scrutinized it carefully, holding her back, until I could determine if it was a giant fighting dog or a little poodle. We began to avoid certain dogs, to choose different routes that by-passed fences where dogs barked. And each time a dog approached us Megan began barking, teeth bared and hackles up – before the dog could even present itself as friendly, hostile, or neutral. Which meant that, the other dog was thrown into immediate reaction – protection mode – before it could decide for itself if it wanted to be friendly, hostile, or neutral.
Our world had become narrow. No longer enjoying walks, but rather approaching them as “things to be on guard with”, no longer going to any café or passing on any route, we met fewer and fewer other dogs. This meant that each new meeting, being an increasingly rare occasion, became increasingly tense and hostile for Megan. Which meant I, in turn, limited the events more and more. Which meant Megan, in turn, became increasingly tense and hostile.
All because of one traumatic event and the EXPECTATION that other traumatic events would follow.
Now let’s apply this to human life.
Let’s say my father left the family when I was a child. As an adult, I might enter in relationships with the EXPECTATION that people leave relationships. I might enter those relationships already ON GUARD for the hurt that I am expecting. From this tense position I might shut down at the slightest perceived exit on my partner’s behalf and, rather than look for bridges to build, be the one who helps open the door to push that person out – or exit myself before that person can exit on me. Dating again, ON GUARD, I might present myself as closed-off, private, defensive, even hostile. This might prevent future doors from opening altogether, thus reaffirming for me that relationships are an area of disappointment. From a traumatic event in my childhood I thus build an adult life that is poor in the area of relationships.
There is a way back. It’s called re-dreaming.
Having recognized how we let a previous event shape expectations that then predict and create present and future events, we can then RE-DREAM that narrowed present and future. We can take different choices.
Let’s turn back to Wise Megan. I moved to France and my landlord, who lived across the street, had a dog that she hiked with every day. I was determined to have this world opened back up to me, to enjoy again hikes in the countryside, to make friends with my new landlord. So the very first day we arrived we met landlord and dog on the street and I … DROPPED THE LEASH. Surprised, Megan turned back and looked at me – Where was the tension? I immediately started talking with my landlord and we just started walking to the trail, like this was the most normal thing in the world – because it was. And, wonder of wonders, the dogs followed. No biting, no fighting, and Megan has a new friend.
Challenge : What old stories can we drop to create a new one? What happens when we do?
Life is created by us – by how we either react or respond to events. Events happen. Period. But we have choice in what we do with them. When we begin to drop the things that tied us to the old stories we can begin to move toward creating a life we choose.
Happy dreaming! And thank you, Megan!
